....uh....crap. >.<

Last night, for the first time in four years, I got drunk. And as former research has shown, that generally leads to no good.

My sister, Elena (my sister's best friend), Michael (my sister's on-off love interest), and Tyler (Elena's bf) went to a bar/cochina in the Hispanic area of KC called El Patrón. They were all excited about getting me to drink, and while I've always dealt well with peer pressure, older kids are a different story I guess. Anyways Elena had been raving about how good their margaritas are. Well...there's nothing exceptional about their margaritas except that they put 5 shots of tequila and 1 shot of triple sec in one. I felt done after one and I was ready for some food. I was super tipsy after one if not drunk and somehow Elena ended up ordering me a strawberry daquiri. Mmmm tasty. And suddenly I'm drunk and talking about sex and criticising people's love lifes. Then it got bad. I starteid ragging on Michael. Now I'm not particularly fond of him, but that's partially because I've never really heard anything good about him and he's pretty morose and cynical and self-deprecating which isn't attractive. Anyways, I said some mean things and I knew instantly I shouldn't have said it. Things are hazy, I'm not sure what all I said but I started crying really fast and I felt like my whole world was falling apart. I called Brandon because I missed home and I was wishing I was home and he was playing racket ball with Carrie and Stephy which really upset me at the time and then I started freaking out about him cheating on me and leaving me and ug, it was just a mess. The story is a mess, the situation was a mess. I was a wreck, crying, dizzy, fuzzy, not quite sure anything was real, the whole thing had a solipsist façade hanging over it. My sister took me home and I was crying and upset and drunk, but I couldn't sleep. I sobered up in my tears but I still couldn't sleep. I ended up getting up to eat some food and read for an hour at 1 am. My brain wouldn't quit. The whole world came crashing down in my mind.

I look at in the light of the morning and I feel bad. I know drinking that much is the opposite effect of all the medications I take. It's a taste of who I am without treatment, without help, without control. I don't like that part of me. Let's not get drunk. God....I'm an idiot.

"An American monkey, after getting drunk on brandy, would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men." -Charles Darwin

then and now

"Day by day and almost minute by minute the past was brought up to date. In this way every prediction made by the Party could be shown by documentary evidence to have been correct; nor was any item of news, or any expression of opinion, which conflicted with the needs of the moment, ever allowed to remain on record. All history was a palimpsest, scraped clean and reinscribed exactly as often as was necessary."
- George Orwell, 1984

I did something interesting today, something I've been meaning to do. But I'm not sure how I feel about it. What I did was I went through all the photo albums on facebook and I deleted the photos and/or albums I associate with bad memories and bad people in my life. I have effectively deleted the Cunt from all photographic evidence. I have erased any photos I had of Darin holding me or us kissing. I've wiped it clean. I don't know if this says something bad about me or good. I feel like part of me is trying to erase the past as if it never exists, it only exists in memory now, there is no other proof. This is why it reminded me of 1984, because only my word goes. I can completely deny it was ever there. Is that what I want or need to do?

Then: March 13, 2005

Now: July 1, 2008

I have to do my little prayer to the sun god.

Thank you George Carlin for having made this world a better place and making the agnostic/atheist in me proud. May the Sun God and Joe Pesci give you a good rest. You are missed.

bwsh! updates & upgrades

The four reptilian children of the house have gotten cage upgrades. As mentioned in an earlier post, Pookie gifted me a custom made 45 gallon acrylic turtle tank, with a built in basking dock and ramp. Then today I got a 40 gallon locking lid tank for Ophelia, which means Jezebel will move into Ophelia's old 20 gallon. None of these are set up but it should all get done before I leave. I think. Heh. I hope.
My plane leaves Denver at 8:15pm so it's off to Denver at 3pm on Friday. I'm pretty stoked. It'll be nice to have a fucking break. My sister has a couple days with class so, I'll get to be lazy around the apartment. And then we're going to party-harty, as only the Muller-Scott sisters could! We're going back to the museum (the one with the snooty guards and giant birdie (as in badminton birdie)), going to hang out at the plaza and have good foods. I will miss Pookie though, he is not excited about me leaving. Luckily Pat will be back for good from the oil fields. But it will mean life is a bit different with him there. It will be good but in a different way. I do like it being just the two of us.
The house is almost ready to be shown in photos. I have been working on it not so diligently but in a meander-y way....it's not really the most fun. Unpacking and getting rid of stuff, kind of sucks, actually. Still...soon.
Tonsils out on the 8th of July. I'm making a point of being very disgruntled about it.
Ummm...got withdrawn from Stats. That means a busy fall. *sigh*
While in KC, I plan to do lots of reading. I will be finishing Ken Follett's The Pillars of Earth and Michael Ondaatje's Divisadero, and I'm hoping to start Elizabeth Kostova's The Historian. Book time!